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Archive for October 31st, 2010

Date: Sun, 31 Oct 2010 06:29:49 -0000 (GMT)
From: Singh_Manindra
Subject: Why Marriages Fail: Part 2
To: AM-GLOBAL

== WHY MARRIAGES FAIL ==

~ PART 2 ~

(this is the continuation…)

DO NOT RELY ON WTS FOR MATCH-MAKING

3) It is important to remember that Dadas must NOT act as a mediator for any Ananda Marga marriage. Invariably, Dadas will give preference to the family giving them more money. So if the boy is not interested in AM and drowned in pseudo-culture, that Dada will paint a false picture and say how the boy is spirited and meticulous in 16 pts. This may not happen every time – but certainly there is scope for such issues. It has happened in the past and must be avoided in the future. And the best way to avoid this in the future is not to involve Dadas.

Besides it is not good for our wholetimers to act as matchmakers. In that process some accidentally get themselves matched up and they leave their Wt ship. This also has happened.

Thus for everyone’s well being, no Wt should be actively involved in match-making. Rather Wts should refrain from match-making entirely. That is Baba’s rule.


BEWARE OF INTEREST GROUPS

4) One should be prudent – even skeptical, about receiving advice from stakeholders – ie sometimes family margiis also carry a bias. For instance, let’s say that in their unit or bhukti, there is a girl or boy nearing 30 years of age and it is obvious that this person needs to get married soon. Then with the intention of supporting them, such people falsely praise that boy or girl up to the sky in order to attract an interested party. Under the notion of helping to marry that older boy or girl, some such people may say things that are not true. Out of sympathy they may say, “Oh he or she is very good and has always been exemplary in our community.” When in fact that is not at all true. Just they are saying like that in order to get that person married. Actually they want to help but what they are doing is not at all good. Encouraging false perceptions as will lead to a bad marriage – or the marriage may simply implode or break apart.

FINANCE

5) Finances play a big role in any household. So the boy and girl should have in-depth discussions and get to know each other’s lifestyle and views on money. Someone who wishes to live like a king or queen should not marry someone with a sadhu mentality, or vice-versa. There should be clarity on all financial matters including credit, debt, cash allowances, and so much more. The expectations on points of finance should be very clear.


CHILDREN & EDUCATION

6) One of the most defining points of any marriage is child rearing. Ahead of time – before they marry – the boy and girl should discuss how they are going to raise their children. What values will they impose? How far will they goad their child into Ananda Marga way of life? How far will they go to never compromise with dogma? The child must be brough to the path of sadhana at any early age and encouraged in this practice wholeheartedly.

Is one going to let the child play always while the other parent tries to instill a sense of discipline toward spiritual life? Is one going to let the child eat garlic while the other wishes to raise the child on a sentient diet. There are so many points of possible contention.

One must also remember that those children will one day be teenagers. Will you raise a person who will be a slave of pseudo-culture. If so, that teenager may bring meat into your kitchen, alcohol into your study, and crude, loud music into your sadhana room. If one parent emphasizes spiritual life and the other does not, there are going to be problems – many of them.

So this should be thoroughly discusses beforehand, lest you become a stranger in your own house where your own children have become like non-margiis. In that case they and your spouse will form a majority vote in your own home. If you do not educate them about our AM way of life from their infancy, this is going to happen.


NATURE OF TRANSITORY WORLD

7) Here is another critical point that the boy and girl must review. They both must be educated about, as well as discuss, how this world is transitory. The beauty they both possess today will not last forever. At any time, they may lose much of that beauty. One might contract some terrible disease like diabetes or multiple sclerosis, or get involved in a road accident etc. So many things can happen. The boy and girl should be told about how this world is transitory; they must understand the impact of this. If anyone gets married based on external beauty that marriage will fall apart. We have seen this so many times. They should discuss with one another how they will treat and regard each other when they are sick, disabled or helpless. Because, after all, their youthfulness and beauty will not last forever. Hearing and seeing this, do they still want to get married.

AM IDEOLOGY

8) The teachings of Ananda Marga have to be a central aspect of any margii marriage. Both boy and girl have to be of the mind-set that what Baba says on any given topic is the defining opinion.

It is not enough to renounce one’s caste and get married. Yes, we have to overcome all caste sentiments etc, but our AM ideology encompasses all realms of existence.

Both have to be ready to follow Baba in each and every aspect of life. So when there is any disagreement between the husband and wife, then the answer must be found in Baba’s guideline. And that must be accepted by both as final. This must be discussed ahead of time.

OATH

9) The boy and the girl should be ready to strictly follow the oath of our AM marriage: To live like Shiva and Parvatii. This should be formally written down and both the boy and girl should be educated as to what that means and then sign that piece of paper as a veritable contract. This contract must be binding on each and every AM marriage. One must be extremely careful and aware if their spouse will Ananda Marga way of life or not.


TREMENDOUS BENEFIT

By making all of the above perfectly clear between the boy and girl before marriage, then so many misnomers, false perceptions, and bogus expectations will be washed away. The mind will be clear and pointed and one can truly decide whether to marry that person or not. Or should they marry someone else. This will have tremendous benefit in both the personal lives of those who wed as well as in the greater society. People will be successful and productive in their marriages and society will not be plagued by mis-matched marriages and divorce. Mis-matched marriages are commonly looked upon as normal to others, but those involved in that marriage suffer internally and feel like an alien in their own house. Children will not be left shelterless but rather empowered by having dedicated parents who live by a spiritual ideal. Then society can truly be done in the real spirit of the term.

RESULT OF MIS-MATCHED MARRIAGE

Here Baba graphically points out the fate of those who suffer from mismatched marriages.

Baba says, “The wife of a certain gentleman that I knew was quite ill-mannered. One winter evening I saw this gentleman sitting quietly at the foot of a tree. I asked him: “Why are you sitting under this tree on a winter evening? You’ll freeze.” He replied: “You know, my young friend, if I go in the house I’ll hear only khankhan jhanhan [unpleasant and disturbing sounds]. It’s a lot more peaceful out here.” (Varna Vijiana, Disc: 19)


BABA’S BLESSING

By Baba’s grace He has given the perfect system for building a great human society. Marriage is one of the key elements. Every marriage within the Marga should be done only after thoughtful consideration. All should be very aware of what marriage means and they should know who they are marrying.

Baba says, “[Shiva] declared that women must be kalatra, which means that women must discharge their obligations to their husbands and their children in such a way that the latter will not have the least difficulty. Those who accepted this new arrangement were declared married…The Sanskrit equivalent for marriage is viváha (vi – vaha + ghaiṋ): it means, after the ceremonially, the man and women can no longer live as libertines or as irresponsible so-called family people. They have to discharge their full obligations as bharttá and kalatra, responsible husband and responsible wife…The liberal meaning of the term viváha is “live one’s life in a new way with a special type of responsibility.” This is the underlying significance of the Shaeva system of marriage.” (NSS, Disc: 9. Shivokti 3)

Namaskar,
Manindra

Note 1: NOT A JUSTIFIED CLAIM

After reading the above, some may complain that now no one will want to get married. They will argue that there are to many stipulations and it is an impossible endeavor. But theirs is not a well-reasoned approach.

We have to remember that when drugs were initially given as medicine then the side effects were never listed and patients were getting harmed. Finally the government intervened and demanded that all medical side effects must be stated. After this judgment, some were concerned that no one will take those medicines if companies are forced to list the side effects. Yet here we are years and decades later, and people still take those medicines and they are aware about the side effects so they can protect themselves. The end result is positive.

Similarly, if people are aware ahead of time about the difficulties of married life, they will be better off. Then they can properly prepare for getting married and select the right spouse and create an ideal family.

Finally, the main idea is that the entire institution of marriage cannot be stopped. It has been going on for thousands of years. It satisfies a basic human need. Thus listing the pitfalls of marriage is not going to deter anyone from getting married. Only it will fortify them with the requisite knowledge to make an educated decision.

Note 2: NEGATIVE INFLUENCE

After all, we are living in a materialistic society, so what is going on all around affects us. Not only that, we live in world that is dominated by gross materialism where “love” marriages are the norm. Two people get attracted – give in to sensual desires – and then divorce when any problem comes or difficulty arises. Or they leave one another when their become infatuated with someone else.

We must not allow this disease to affect our Ananda Marg away of life. Rather we are to positively affect the greater society.

Note 3: WRITE IN WITH YOUR SUGGESTIONS

This is an ongoing discussion so please write in with your thoughts and suggestions.

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Why Marriages Fail: Part 1

Date: Sun, 31 Oct 2010 06:29:38 -0000 (GMT)
From: Singh_Manindra 
Subject: Why Marriages Fail: Part 1
To: AM-GLOBAL
Baba
“Tumi yadi bha’lo ba’so keno na’hi a’so ka’che…” (PS 3039)

Purport:

Baba, by Your grace, I have so much love for You. If You love me then why don’t You come close. Baba, please come in the depths of my heart– I am calling You. O’ Divine Entity, why are You smiling from a distance in Your extremely charming and captivating form. Why are You not coming close so I can hold You tightly and make You mine.

O’ my Dearmost, I have been waiting with great anticipation for Your arrival, but, alas, You are remaining far away– beyond my reach. Baba, in the disappointment and sadness of Your not coming, in that hopelessness the braids in my hair have become loose and fallen. My exquisitely threaded flower garland which I made exclusively for You has become dried up and fallen to the ground, on the dusty floor. O’ Rupamaya [1], O’ Divine Entity, with the tears pouring from my coloured eyes, everything in this expressed universe is floating away.
Baba, I have heard that You remember everything and that You never forget anything; I have heard that You keep everyone in Your mind, always. All are Your very close. O’ Divine One, at last You have satisfied my heart. By Your grace, You have come to me in the madhavii garden and saturated each & every pore of my mind with Your heavenly sweetness. Baba, You have graciously filled my heart with Your love; You have showered Your grace and made me Yours…

NOTES FOR PRABHAT SAMGIITA 3039:

[1] Rupamaya: [‘Rup’ means ‘form’ and ‘may’ means ‘consisting of’.] This is one of the innumerable names of Parama Purusa that describes one of His infinite qualities: Namely, how He has graciously come in the form. By His wish He has manifested Himself and come in His charming form. That is why one of the names of Parama Purusa is Rupamaya.

== WHY MARRIAGES FAIL ==

~ PART 1 ~

Namaskar,
Recently, on one rainy dark lunar midnight, a dear friend of mine came to my house in that pitch darkness and knocked on the door. I was surprised he had come but after hearing his voice I brought him inside.
He was visibly shaken – nervous, upset, and worried. We talked at length. I found out that his wife had beat him. She returned from a friend’s wedding reception where she ate some tamasik food. It was quite apparent as onion small was emanating from her mouth. The husband objected. Then they started quarreling. Ultimately he overreacted and verbally accosted her. In his fury he called her nasty names. In turn, she hit him & beat him. He ran away to save his own life. Don’t be surprised. But she was a certified karate teacher.
For reasons of privacy we shall refer to the husband as Prakash and the wife as Renu.
Prakash and I talked for hours that night. I calmed him down. Though I was shocked & surprised to hear since the inception of their marriage they have been quarreling on multiple issues.
This was very astonishing to me because I always thought of theirs as an ideal marriage. I did not realise what was going on behind the scenes. All along I had been telling everyone that this marriage was successful. But now look what happened.
Just to give you a little background, Prakash and Renu were married at DMS – it happened quickly and was nearly forced on them. I also found out that Renu’s father gave Dadas a “contribution” of RS 50,000 to arrange the marriage and perform the ceremony. In this way Prakash was bound. In addition those Dadas praised Renu. But although her parents are good margiis it became clear that Renu herself wanted nothing to do with Ananda Marga.
Before this, it was known that she would eat tamasik food: onion, garlic, meat & eggs when she was with her friends in town. She would eat those things outside the house – but never bringing it into her own kitchen.
Anyway, that night when Prakash reached to my house, I clearly understood that they were living in hell. Externally it looked exemplary – but the reality was something quite different.
By this whole story my mind was blown away.
I tried to communicate with other margiis- near and far – about such matters and found that similar things were going on in many cases, but not most. I synthesized all the info and present these points to you to help ensure that such episodes do not happen again & again. Before the boy and girl even marry, something needs to be done to ensure that a mismatched marriage is averted in the future.
OVERVIEW
Marriage is such an important aspect of our Ananda Marga way of life. Family life plays a critical role on many societal levels so it is important that our Ananda Marga marriages be healthy, vibrant and strong.
However, in our Marga cases do arise where the marriage does not go well. In the case of Prakash and Renu – although they belonged to margiis families and their parents were strong margiis – but as a married couple they did not match. They had different life goals. If they knew this ahead of time they would not have married one another. They married because their parents were margiis, not because they had a shared life vision. They hardly knew each other and Dadas and others were just painting a rosy picture by talking only positives. No one talked about the negative side. If they had known more about each other they would not have married.
This letter contains key guidelines and recommendations for ensuring two people in Ananda Marga have the best opportunity for a proper marriage. Everyone, especially parents and those seeking to get married, should be aware of these following points.
ANANDA MARGA:
MARRIAGE IS FOR SOCIETY BUILDING
As we all know – first and foremost – our AM marriage system is purely for society building. AM marriages are for creating a healthy, safe, and inspired environment for raising children in a conscientious manner. The married couple should be confident and ready to contribute to the all around growth of society: individually & collectively, locally & globally etc. Marriage in AM means commitment to one another and strict adherence to AM ideals. It is a unique system; this type of universal outlook is not formed in any other marriage system. They must build a proper unit family and embrace the greater universal family. This is our ideal.
It is in no way related with Hindu ritualistic marriages, western materialistic marriages, or any other “marriage system” from around the world. Nor do we follow or appreciate the new western model of “co-habitating” without marriage and living as a libertine. In all such cases, marriages are either base on external beauty, infatuation, money, post or social status, local or religious dogmas. These are the main allurements and aims most of the time.
POINTS EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW
The following are points all should be aware of when considering marriage – either their own marriage, or a marriage of a family member or friend.
LIFELONG COMMITMENT
1. Those getting married must firmly know in their mind that an AM marriage is a lifelong commitment to one another for society building. The main idea is for both to take care of their progeny and make their children into bonafide members of society. There is no other outlook than this.
THE BOY AND GIRL MUST TALK AT LENGTH
2. The two young people – the future husband and wife – must get ample scope to talk beforehand. They must get the opportunity to get to know one another and decide for themselves if this is a good match. Here it should be clarified that “getting to know one another” does not mean dating or being boyfriend and girlfriend. The boy and girl can get to know one another in a neutral setting. We can all think and decide what that setting should be. It should be supervised, safe, yet private enough that they can talk freely.

a) They should talk about their goals and aims of life. They should frankly discuss what they want. It is not that the parents should decide if this is a good match. They should critically evaluate if they share a similar outlook.

b) The boy and girl should discuss things as basic as: Who will hold an outside job? Who will cook? Who will raise the children? Where will we live? All these basic existential points should be discussed as far as possible. Nothing should be left to assumption; one must not rely on preconceived notions. They both should openly and clearly review and compare their vision for how their life will progress.
Unfortunately, all too often these things are not discussed and in result there is much confusion and disappointment after marrying. What happens next is separation, marriage breaking or even divorce.
Last year, two people married with the false expectation that the other would do all the cooking and cleaning, etc. Both the husband and wife work outside the home and neither wants to attend to any domestic duties. Hence their marriage became a mess because they had the wrong impression from the outset. Today, both of their families are involved daylong in settling their marital disputes.
This is what happens when such matters are not discussed ahead of time.
c) The boy and girl should also talk about their likes and dislikes. Firstly, they should talk about their role in Ananda Marga and their devotional link with Guru. If one is very involved in AM and is attracted to sadhana and the other is from a margii family but has zero interest in AM, then that marriage is not going to work. So the boy and girl must sincerely talk about their social and spiritual commitment to AM ideals and Baba.
I know one margii family where the husband is somewhat dogmatic but the wife wishes to sincerely practice AM teachings. The husband attends AM programs as well as other dogmatic religious gatherings and he tries to force his wife to come to those as well. But she does not like to attend local religious events. This has become a source of tension and strife.
There are some margii marriages where the husband is very sincere in 16 Pts and other do’s and don’ts,  but the wife has other interests and ways of living. So she raised the children in her own way, different from Ananda Marga. In result, the husband has become a stranger in his own house. Sometimes when he wishes to sing kiirtain out loud, but with fear he does not do. He wants a home based on AM socio-cum-spiritual ideals, but something else is going on. If any margii visits, then the wife is not at all happy.
d) Next they should talk about their own personal likes and dislikes related with everyday life – everything: music, sports, literature, food, movies, friendships, cars, exercise, reading, college or university studies, habits, and so much more. They should get a full picture of one another.
e) As far as possible, the boy and girl should get a clear cut vision of each other’s mental outlook. Without that, they definitely should not marry.

(please read part 2)

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