Date: 22 Jun 2013 11:21:34 -0000
To: ananda-marga-universal-forum-3@yogasamsthanam.net
Subject: Story: My Repentance
Baba
== STORY: MY REPENTANCE ==
Namaskar,
After waiting three-and-a-half hours on the platform in the grueling sun, finally there was an announcement indicating that the train was coming. I gathered my bags and readied myself to board the train. To date, I had been an acarya for seven years and had learned how to “manage” acarya life. Everything had gone well with Rajuji and the rest of the margiis in this locale but now it was time to move on.
THE SOP (STANDARD OPERATING PROCEDURE) OF SOME WTS:
HOW THEY DECEIVE MARGIIS ON FASTING DAY
I was doing what had become a common practice of the day amongst some acaryas:
Leave town on the day of ekadashii and then arrive in the next place and announce to everyone that I had fasted the previous day, when in fact the night before the margiis had fed me a delicious “pre-fasting day” meal. This was the way things had developed in WT life, unfortunately. I learned this “fasting technique” from my supervisor and had seen this ploy successfully carried out by any number of workers. Certainly many workers are doing their dry fasting sincerely, yet there remain some Wts who do not observe Baba’s directive about regular fasting.
At first I was too nervous to do it – to deceive margiis about fasting. But over time I became accustomed to it – until finally it became no big deal. I was doing it all the time.
LEAVING RAJUJI’S
So the night prior I took full belly at Rajuji’s house and then headed off to my next destination. While on the train I slept some, read the parts of the newspaper that was circulating around our train car, and talked with some of the other travelers. In this way the time passed and my 4 hour journey was nearly complete.
ARRIVING AT VERMAJI’S
The train slowed as it approached the upcoming stop and finally the train came to a complete halt. I grabbed my bags and descended onto the platform. The margiis were expecting me. I looked up and down the platform – knowing that they were sure to come and greet me. I did not see anyone.
Then from behind I felt a few tiny hands grabbing onto my gown. I turned around to see the shining and smiling faces of three young boys. These were Vermaji’s sons. I knew them well and their joyous presence meant that Vermaji was also close by.
In a moment, Vermaji approached with folded hands and a warm look in his eye. I had been here just two months ago and it was good to be back. Immediately, Verma welcomed me and inquired about my health etc. And then the five of us went together to catch an auto-rickshaw in order to head to Vermaji’s house.
Along the way the boys were silently looking at me the whole time and Vermaji and I talk about the news of the day. Plus we discussed various plannings for his unit such as talks, pracar programs, the upcoming PMSA event, and he gave me a summary about how things at the school were going.
MY LIE:
“I FASTED YESTERDAY”
Finally, as we approached the house, Vermaji asked if I was fasting today or not. I told him that I had fasted the day prior. He was very happy to hear this as he said his wife was preparing a special meal for my arrival. And he said that he himself was fasting tomorrow, which I knew to be true. Because whenever, given the option between fasting on a Friday or a Saturday, then always Vermaji would choose Saturday. He had told me as such on earlier visits and I knew him to be sincere in this.
I ATE ON EKADASHII, WHILE VERMAJI FASTED
Anyway once he understood that I had fasted yesterday, then when we entered into the house he said I should attend to my evening duties and sadhana etc, because dinner would be ready in a short while.
So I arranged all my things accordingly and did whatever I did etc, and sure enough in a short while the call came for dinner.
And that night Vermaji and I ate and spoke about all sorts of organisational dealings, financial arrangements, and I gave him all the news about where I had just been. Like this the evening passed and soon we were off to bed.
The next day came and went quickly. As planned, Vermaji did his fasting and I arranged my own food and attended to various inspections at the school and dealt with other affairs. And the day after I left for my new destination. That was a Sunday.
My mind was feeling relaxed and I did not think twice about having played that fasting drama with Vermaji. I figured it was good he fasted and I justified that what I do is my business and that is all. I consoled myself and justified in my mind that Wt life is tough – often it is not even possible to get proper food – so what is the harm in eating on fasting days. That was my excuse or alibi for skipping fasting. So my mind was nonplussed or unaffected by the fasting drama as it had become a way of life.
AN UNEXPECTED EVENT
Tragically that next Tuesday, one of the very elderly and senior margiis from Vermaji’s bhukti passed away. And margiis from all around came for the shraddha ceremony, including Rajuji.
And that is when the whole thing leaked out.
HOW I GOT EXPOSED:
MY DUPLICITY ROSE TO THE SURFACE
Because in passing, Rajuji and Vermaji discussed about various happenings and they naturally talked about their recent visits with me, since it had only been a few days earlier that I had stayed with them both. And in their own way, it came to pass that Rajuji mentioned that his wife had prepared me a special pre-fasting day meal. And in response Vermaji said that that was impossible because his own wife had prepared me a special meal for my post-fasting day. And within one or two sentences my whole drama got exposed – 100%. They understood that neither I fasted at Rajuji’s house nor at Vermaji’s house. Rather I had lied outrightly about the whole affair.
CS DADA’S REACTION:
YOU CAN SKIP FASTING BUT DO NOT DECEIVE THE MARGIIS
I came to know about all this because both Rajuji and Vermaji are respected and senior margiis and in an effort to straighten the situation out they talked to my chief secretary – not my direct in-charge. Needless, to say CS Dada was very displeased with my behavior, and he scolded me that ‘If I wish to skip fasting then I should keep myself hidden in the jagrti and not play such dramas with the margii families’. Then he got even angrier at me as said that, ‘This ruins the reputation of all acaryas.’ Even though we both knew well that some Dadas – around 10-20% of the workers, depending upon the sector – regularly skip their fasting days.
Anyway, the difference being as CS Dada put it was that, ‘I had gotten caught and lost the faith of the margiis’.
Then CS Dada instructed me that as a point of rectification I was to tell my story to all – and by that way it would serve as a reminder for me not to do such things again. For that reason I have now written this entire chapter to all of you.
Here I wish to add that it must be duly noted that at least 10% to 20% of all workers sincerely do their dry fasting, although they may or may not follow the proper procedure for breaking fast. That is to say on breaking fast morning they may only drink 1 glass of water and then eat some bananas without every cleansing the digestive tract in the proper manner. But the actual fasting, these workers follow sincerely.
FEELINGS OF REPENTANCE:
I WANTED TO BECOME BETTER AND REPAIR MY TARNISHED IMAGE
Actually I did not have to do what my CS Dada told; I did not have to share my story with all. Because nowadays– since the last 4-5 years – no worker listens to their supervisors. Rather people do as they like. Some skip their departmental meetings entirely, others just engage in private business, and some are not very obedient or strict in conduct rules.
So in that atmosphere I did not have to write my story to all of you about how I cheated on my fasting day. Because after all, what could CS Dada do to me – next to nothing. In that way I was quite tempted to just overlook my punishment.
But in retrospect I figured that I should do it as a means to reaffirm myself to Baba’s ideals. Ultimately I want to follow 16 Points and I do not wish to deceive anyone. Rather I aspire to become an acarya in the true sense of the term. And I thought writing this letter would help in this regard.
So for this reason I have recounted this story and by Baba’s grace this will help me to rectify my misdealing as I want to be sincere in 16 Points and become a model wholetime worker of Ananda Marga.
Not only that, in hopes of repairing my tarnished image and bad name, for a long time after this transpired, I would ensure I was at a margii’s house at the time of fasting so I could fast in front of them. I wanted them to physically see that I was doing it properly. I could not live with them thinking that I just skipped all my fastings. So to prove myself, I always arranged to be with margiis on fasting day as a way of redeeming myself. This went on for months and months until I felt I had regained their trust and repaired my reputation.
Here following are some of Sadguru’s teachings related with this entire affair.
SOME OF THE MANY BENEFITS OF FASTING
By following the practice of regular fasting, one’s entire body gets a chance to recuperate, thereby inviting better health.
Baba says, “During fasting the body’s organs get a good rest, and the healing process is more rapid.” (1)
Plus in this next quote Baba advises us how by fasting we will decrease our dependence on food and develop ourselves in other arenas.
“You should not depend on food too much. This is why I have prescribed fasting on four days a month for some people and two days a month for others, and personally I have proved by fasting for five years and eight months at a stretch that if people try, they can remain without food. If one’s dependence on food decreases, one will gain more freedom in a particular aspect of life.” (2)
HYPOCRISY:
DECEIVING OTHERS ABOUT DRY FASTING
“To say, “I’m doing a dry fast” after having secretly drunk a glass of water is the height of hypocrisy.” (3)
DHARMIKAS NEVER GIVE WAY TO HYPOCRISY
“An honest person should never resort to hypocrisy in any sphere of life.” (4)
“There cannot be any hypocrisy in dhiiras. Hypocrites may be traders of religion, but the dharmic cannot be.” (5)
“There is no place in a devotee’s life for hypocrisy – the devotee’s thoughts, words and actions will never be contradictory. These simple and straightforward people will say what they think and do what they say.” (6)
“No indulgence should be given to hypocrisy.” (7)
HYPOCRISY IS THE WORST TYPE OF DEALING
“Activities harmful to the Marga, hypocrisy, theft and the persecution of women are the greatest crimes. Such criminals should be categorized as mahápátakiis (great sinners) and severe measures should be taken against them from the beginning.” (8)
RAMPANT PROBLEM NOWADAYS
“In all spheres of life these days, people think one thing, say another thing, and do something entirely different. That is, hypocrisy is now at its peak.” (9)
MUST OVERCOME HYPOCRISY
“Struggle is the essence of life. Yours should be a pauseless struggle against corruption, hypocrisy and animality.” (10)
“Spread out the sermons of amity amongst the humanity. Remind one and all that the establishment of human excellence does not lie in hypocrisy but in simplicity and sincerity…” (11)
REPENTANCE BRINGS RECTIFICATION
“One is seized by a feeling of repentance when one realizes (either from within or with the help of a second person) the impropriety of one’s action.” (12)
“Someone might have committed a pátaka [sin of commission], but after that wrong action feels repentance, and compensates for the harm his or her action caused. After such repentance and compensation, the action is no longer a sin. Suppose someone has stolen a thousand rupees from someone else. If after this theft the thief feels compunction and returns the money – better, however, with the inclusion of interest thereon – and begs forgiveness, that will mean that the person’s sin has been washed away. The person should no longer be called a sinner.” (13)
REPENTANCE AND KIIRTAN WILL SAVE YOU
“If, knowingly or unknowingly, you have committed any mistake or any sin, then your repentance and your singing kiirtana, wholeheartedly, will free you from all sins. So, your future is always bright, never dark, never dark.” (14)
PARAMA PURUSA IS AWARE:
HE KNOWS IF YOU ARE FASTING OR NOT
Anyone who thinks they can eat on fasting day and get away with it is a fool. Because even if one tricks the margiis and even if one justifies the situation to himself, even then it is a guarantee that Parama Purusa will know what you did.
“Parama Purus’a knows all the three phases of time: the past, the present and the future. Nothing is beyond the periphery of His supramundane knowledge…Suppose you eat something on the fasting day of Eka’dashii, thinking that perhaps Parama Purus’a will not know it. Certainly He will know about your secret eating, and He feels amused at what His little child is thinking. Not only the boys – the girls also make the same mistake. Perhaps on fasting day they eat chocolates and think, ‘I am eating secretly – no one can see it.’ This is defective thinking, because Parama Purus’a knows everything – nothing is hidden from Him.” (15)
THE IMPORTANCE OF CONDUCT
“Your ideal is represented by your conduct. Your learning, your social or economic status have nothing to do with your ideal.” (16)
Namaskar,
At His lotus feet,
Dada
REFERENCES
1. Yogic Treatments, Appendix
2. AV-7
3. AFPS-6, The Spirit of Society
4. Liberation of Intellect – Neo-Humanism, Disc: 7
5. SS-21, Nityánitya Viveka
6. AV-7, How Should a Devotee Behave?
7. AFPS-3, The Importance of Society
8. CC-2, Society, pt #29a
9. NSS, Disc: 10
10. Ananda Vanii #11
11. Ananda Vanii #57
12. APH-8, The Acoustic Roots of the Indo-Aryan Alphabet
13. AV-9, “Take Refuge in Parama Puruśa with Unswerving Attention”
14. AV-12, The Real Value of the Human Entity
15. Subhasita Samgraha – 12
16. A’nanda Va’nii #13
PRABHAT SAMGIITA
“Aja’na’y chile, ja’na’-ma’jhe ele, tabu katat’uku ja’niya’chi…” (PS 3544)
Purport:
O’ Parama Purusa, in the past You were completely unknown to me. I could not conceive of You at all; You were remaining in Your fathomless state of Nirguna Brahma. I had no idea about You. O’ my Lord, today, with Your infinite beauty & charm You have come as the Taraka Brahma. You have loved me and placed me on Your Lap. You have entered into the stream of my mental consciousness. You have come in my proximity, in my awareness, in my dhyana. Even then how little I can understand of You; how little I can grasp of You. O’ Parama Purusa, the more I know You, the more I realise that I do not know. The amount of my ignorance goes on increasing. I always feel like there is a lot to know about You. O’ my Dearmost, You are beyond my mental conception; Your endless love knows no bounds.
O’ Divine One, this universe is filled with innumerable expressions. My mind goes on thinking again and again wondering why I like all these diverse manifestations, but I cannot come up with the answer. I cannot reach to the depth of the matter. O’ my Dearmost, the sweet flower fragrance, the blackness of the clouds, the grandeur of the mountain, everything, whether good or bad – all I like because of You. Your beauty and grandeur is expressed through the flora and fauna, through this entire creation. Everything in this universe is attractive and pleasing to me. O’ Parama Purusa Baba, because everything comes from You – because it is all a reflection of You– that is why I find all the expressions to be completely charming. O’ Divine One, You are the reason.
Baba, I have sat for sadhana thousands of times but still I have never had You in dhyana up to my heart’s content. I have not been able to hold You so close in the deep recesses of my heart. O’ my Dearmost, I always hope that You will reveal Yourself fully to me; but up till now I could not get You very, very close. Thus far I could not intimately serve You in my mental lotus, in my Guru cakra. That I could not do. Even then in hundreds and millions of ways, my mind rushes towards You, trying to pull You close to me, into the bosom of my heart.
Baba, please be gracious and eternally remain with me, as my most intimate and dearest One…